Today I thought I’d tell you about two syndromes that affect drivers on our roads. We all seen the symptoms, but the underlying syndromes are less known.
Firstly I’d like to discuss the “small penis syndrome”. Sufferers of this syndrome are male. despite the name it affects more areas of the body then just the nether region.
The first symptom is a very heavy right foot. This results in high speeds, mainly in urban areas.
The second symptom is short sightedness. This results in the patient driving very close behind you, giving you the feeling he’s on your backseat.
The third symptom is partial blindness. The patient thinks he’s making beautiful adjustments to their car, but in fact it’s looking like crap. it also affects the view that they might have on their speedometer.
The fourth symptom is aggression. The patient will become aggressive if there’s someone in front of him who doesn’t suffer from the partial blindness and the very heavy right foot. This can result in road rage.
The fifth symptom is trouble with understanding symbols. This can be anything from unable to read road signs to the inability to proper lighting on their car. You can spot them from miles as they mainly are driving with their foglights on, even when it’s not foggy.
The sixth and final symptom is a small penis. This might not be obvious at first, but just take a good look at their car. There are a few car brands that are popular with patients that suffer this illness. The most obvious brands are the Hummer and BMW. Of course there are more brands that patients can drive whilst suffering this illness.
The second syndrome is more common in female drivers. There’s still no good name for it, so I’ll call it the “thinking your car is twice as long and twice as wide as it really is syndrome”.
This illness has much fewer symptoms.
The main symptom is unable to park your car properly. Most patients will have huge difficulties parking their car. Even when a parking spot is three times the size of their car they simply can’t get their car in. We all know at least one patient that is suffering from this.
Patients will simply think their car is huge, even though it’s small. Like a chihuahua who thinks he’s an Irish Wolfhound.
They also have trouble overtaking other cars. They’ll go to the other lane miles before they’ve caught up with the car in front of them and they’ll stay in that lane for miles, long after they’ve left the other car behind them.
Both syndromes have symptoms in common. But they least known symptom they have in common is one that I refer to as the “Go step on a Lego” symptom. Whenever a patient is on the road, other road users, many of whom are not suffering these syndromes, are irritated by patients. They’ll get this last symptom and shout out “Go step on a Lego!” whenever a patient crosses their path. A second phrase that can be heard regularly (and is more harsh than the first) is: “I hope they use Comic Sans on your gravestone!”
I sincerely hope that next time, when you are on the road and you’re coming across a patient, you’ll take a deep breath and think about how much the patient is suffering under his illness. Don’t be too harsh on him or her. Try to help them by talking to them and telling them you understand their problems. Tell them help is out there. They should seek help. There are lots of driving schools that are happy to take on problem cases like this. Even if they already have their driving license. A few more lessons wouldn’t hurt them…
This is a rare sighting of a person who suffers from both syndromes. Picture by pokeweed.